Alright, what’s the big deal with it? Everything, man. The perfect clouds, that unbeatable campus vibe, the chill weather in Bandung—it was just right. I was just some ordinary college kid back then, living the usual student life.

But here’s the thing: comparing it to where I am now—the job title, the paycheck, all the so-called "grown-up" stuff—if I had one wish? No second thoughts. “Take me back to 2019.”

I mean, I just want to feel alive again. Everything now feels so... flat. Nothing makes me feel alive anymore. I want to go back to that butterfly era, you know? I want to make that feeling happen again.

The Broken Glass Mentality

You ever hear that saying, “You can’t fix a broken glass”? Yeah, I hate that. 'Cause you actually can if you’re determined enough. You can melt the pieces, reshape them, do whatever it takes to make it whole again. But here’s the catch: sometimes, it’s not that you don’t want to fix it—it’s that it doesn’t want to be fixed.

And that’s the thing about me—I’ve always struggled with accepting that something could be different, that there might be another approach. My mind’s stuck in this mental block, believing that the only way to make things right is to go back and fix them exactly as they were. It’s one of the reasons I’m so resistant to taking another path or trying a new direction. Because if I can’t make it how it used to be, what’s the point, right?

That’s why, every time I pray, I keep asking, “God, please, take me back to 2019.” Not to change everything, just to fix a few things, correct some of those fatal mistakes. I need that chance to feel alive again, 'cause right now? I’m dead inside.

The Simple Things

I still remember little moments that made my heart race. Like when someone would say something unexpectedly kind or just being around people who got me, who made me feel seen. You know that feeling? That awkward, blushing, butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of vibe? I want to experience that again, plain and simple.

And then there were these random responsibilities that got thrown at me—things that taught me how to manage my time, my budget, my life, really. Those moments were a total game-changer. They taught me patience, they taught me what commitment feels like, and they definitely made me learn to appreciate the little things. I can still picture some of the ridiculously funny and unforgettable times. It’s all still so vivid in my mind.

The Chase

But don’t get me wrong, 2019 wasn’t just all butterflies and good times. There were some really low points too, but even those had their charm. There was that sense of uncertainty that, strangely, kept me going. There was this thing I was pursuing back then, and it felt endless—like I was chasing pavements that never really led anywhere. I gave up once, walked away, but somehow, life brought me back to it, and I started the chase all over again.

I’d brainstorm ideas just to create something memorable, you know? Sometimes it was as simple as watching a lame movie remake just to spend a bit more time soaking up that vibe. And somehow, that’s when everything clicked. I felt like I was actually doing something right.

Feeling Alive

I started to feel something real, something that made me think, Yeah, this is it. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced before, like an energy that kept me going. And honestly? I’ve never felt that alive since. Every day felt like a blessing, and for once, I was genuinely grateful for every second.

Then Came This Cursed Year

But fast forward to this cursed year, and it all fell apart. I lost that spark. Everything I had slipped through my fingers, and I’ve been thrown back into that uncertain cycle from 2019. Only this time, it's way more brutal. It’s been months of trying to move forward, but I keep looping back. The more I try to let go, the more my mind fights against me.

So here I am, stuck in this loop. And all I can do is keep saying, “God, if you’re listening, take me back to 2019.” And if you can’t, well... just give this world an apocalypse tomorrow.