Sunday—a day that’s supposed to be sunny, filled with warmth, laughter, and joy shared with loved ones. But not this Sunday. Today, it was raining. Not just outside, but inside too. A thunderstorm was brewing within me, one I couldn't ignore.

Maybe it's just me. The one who expects everything to be constant, unchanging, predictable. Sundays should be sunny. They should bring joy. I cling to that thought like it’s some unwritten rule of life. But today, the rain came.

The World of Constants

I live in a world that revolves around absolutes. A place where everything must be 1 or 0—true or false. No decimals, no grey areas. In programming, that makes sense. It’s clean, it’s efficient. Everything computes exactly as it should. When I write a piece of code, I expect it to behave predictably. If it doesn't, something’s broken. Maybe there’s a missing semicolon, or a rogue floating point number sneaking in like 0.14, 0.6, or 0.98.

But here’s the thing: those decimals? They’re not 1 or 0. They’re ambiguous, unpredictable. And once you open that door, the possibilities stretch out infinitely. Maybe that’s beautiful to some people. The idea of endless outcomes, of ambiguity. But to me? It’s terrifying.

Even in JavaScript, I wrote everything with const. Constants. I know what to expect. I know how to handle every case, every edge scenario. I control the variables. There are no surprises.

But what happens when life doesn’t follow that logic? What happens when the constants you rely on start to shift? When the outcomes you planned for crumble because the world refuses to fit neatly into your rules?

The Fear of Change

I have a bad perception of dynamics, I’ll admit that. I’ve built my life on the comfort of the known. I’m used to dealing with absolute numbers, not dynamic, ever-changing ones. I like control. I like predictability. And when I lose it, I start to crack.

It’s no different in my personal life. I’m a man of constant habits. Some might say I’m predictable. Others might say I’m boring. Maybe they’re right. My life has always been about defining the known, sticking to the plan, handling what’s expected. I would rather solve 90,000 predefined cases than face one unknown. It’s safe that way. There’s no room for failure, no surprises.

But life doesn’t play by those rules, does it?

Fast Learner, Fearful Heart

Here’s the irony: I’m a fast learner. Give me a problem, and I’ll break it down, figure it out, and solve it. But throw something unfamiliar at me, something I can’t control or predict? I freeze. It’s not that I can’t handle it—I can (well, maybe sometimes). It’s that I don’t want to. The unknown makes my heart race. It shakes the ground beneath me. It reminds me that I’m not as steady as I like to believe.

And tonight? I was reminded again.

The Joke That Wasn’t

I found myself caught in a moment I couldn’t quite decipher. Was it a joke? Was it serious? I didn’t know. And all I could feel was that deep, sinking feeling in my chest. You know the one. The one that tells you something’s off, that the ground beneath you isn’t solid anymore.

It fucking sucks.

There’s no other way to put it. Being blindsided by something that doesn’t fit your expectations, something you can’t quite figure out—it sucks.

And maybe that’s why this thunderstorm inside me hasn’t let up. I’m still searching for the constant, the clear answer, the way out. But life, much like those decimals I fear, isn’t always 1 or 0. It’s messy. It’s unpredictable. And sometimes, it just rains.