Before we go any further, I need you to check out at least the prologue of my life update to understand what’s been going on with me lately. It’ll give you the context you need.

I’m gonna be as honest as possible here—these past few weeks? I’ve hit the lowest point of my life. Drowning is an understatement. Words from people don’t help anymore, not even from professionals. I’ve failed before, but never have I fallen this deep.

I’ve got new anxieties creeping in. Sometimes, I can barely breathe, my body drenched in sweat, my vision goes blurry, and there are times I literally collapse. What triggers this? How did it get this bad?

Of course, like any anxiety, there’s something behind it. In my case, it’s personal, really personal, but I can’t tell you what it is. Just know it’s big enough that I can’t focus on anything else. My mind is consumed with this shit. It’s constantly swirling around in my head, and I swear, it’s suffocating me.

I know this trigger terrifies me. It’s not some trivial thing; it’s huge. And honestly, I’m exhausted from it. I can’t control when it comes. The more I want these thoughts to disappear, the harder they slam into me. Why? Because this isn’t something I can just brush off with, “Okay, go away.” It’s something I need to rebuild. It’s not instant, and yeah, it’s gonna hurt like hell in the process, but I’m still holding on to hope that the outcome will be worth it.

So, what am I doing about it?

First things first—I acknowledge my past mistakes. A lot of it comes down to arrogance. When I was up there, riding high, I started to underestimate things I shouldn’t have. It’s so clear now that I wasn’t grateful when I had everything. And damn, I hate myself for that.

The State of My Mind

These past few weeks, I’ve come to realize all of this. And since I can’t stand where I am now, I’ve started fixing the first problem: my mindset. I know where I went wrong and how I probably irritated the people around me. It was my fault—being too cocky. Now? I’m starting with the little things, like appreciating what I have right now. But this time, I’m doing it with professional help, because as much as I hate to admit it, I’m human. I need a hand to pull me out of this.

Self-Care, or the Lack Thereof

Back when I was at the top, all I cared about was stacking that cash, no limits. Greed took over, man. And the consequences? Well, everything. But one of the most glaring things I let slip was self-care. I wasn’t taking care of myself at all. Late-night junk food binges, no routine, my appearance? Let’s just say it went downhill fast. My face bloated, my chin doubled, and I stopped caring about how I looked.

“Why? I had everything, right? Why bother when I was winning?”

Yeah, that mindset? It’s how you lose everything. Last week, I took a long hard look in the mirror, and I saw it—Shrek staring back at me. Ugly, bloated, and run-down. No wonder everything fell apart.

So now, I’m fixing that. I’ve invested in gym equipment, I’ve bought skincare products for a proper morning and night routine, I’m focusing on my hairstyle, and I’m even planning on getting a CO2 laser treatment this month. Why? Well, I’ll be real with you—I want it all back.

Consistency: The Hardest Part

Now, here’s the toughest part: being consistent. Why is this so hard? Right now, I’ve got a clear goal—to get everything back. But what happens when I reach that? Will I slip back into my old greedy ways and lose it all again? Is this just another cycle waiting to repeat?

No. Fucking. Way.

With everything I’ve got, I’m making damn sure I never hit this low point again. I’ve been humbled by my mistakes. I’ve got a brain, and I’m using it this time. I’ll never forget this feeling—this uncertainty, this heartbreak, this suffocating anxiety.

Lastly, my Default Settings

I am not a coward. Not on the things I want. If I’ve got the power and the resources, I will push forward, even if it takes a toll on me mentally or physically.

I won’t stop fighting.

I won’t give up.